Recently we received a letter from someone expressing concern about the
subject matter of our newsletter and some of the more colorful exploits
of several of our regular characters.
- As this next section is a serious confidential reply to a legitimate
complaint from a valued reader, we ask that everyone else skip over this
section and rejoin our regularly scheduled newsletter at the" 94-95 and
Everything In Between" section...
Att: Disgruntled, Anal Retentive Reader
Re: Disgusting Satanic Newsletter
Dear Reader, Your concern for Jeff's mental health and the collective welfare
of our eternal souls was so touching and your argument so valid and persuasive
that we felt it only fair to respond personally... But first..let me close the
gates of Hell behind me; the din from all those tormented souls makes it real
hard to concentrate.
First off- It's called a sense of humour. Yours is either broken or
missing--- toss living room sofa for change and buy a new one.
Secondly- As per your amateur psychoanalysis of Jeff, while fairly
accurate you completely missed the point. You're right, Jeff is kinder and more
reasonable than the rest of the band , crew and management put together on a
really good day off in paradise, which is precisely why we hold him up for
ridicule and pounce on his every stray indiscretion as if it were a free meal
with a winning lottery ticket hidden inside.
Finally- We reserve the right to employ sarcasm, exaggeration and/or
fictionalize our adventures in any way we see fit. After all we're writing
this- your not-and if you want useful tips for good citizens and self
righteous anecdotes brimming with good cheer and the kindness of strangers
you can write Barney or Robert Fulghum. Besides, even the most depraved
rantings of Moist are innocuous compared to events described daily in your
local newspaper. Go ahead, pick one up, and while you're at it check the
date- it's 1995 and the Spanish Inquisition packed up and went fishing ages
ago. But if you're still searching for kindred spirits try the PMRC or the
Ontario Censor Board, they're buckets of fun at a party and if you all pool
your resources and prodigious intellects I'm sure you can make a serious go
of searching out and destroying humour and sarcasm wherever they drop their
pants in an effort to make the world safe for blandness and mediocrity once
again. THBFFT, NYAH, NYAH !!
To recap... we're joking and if it's not a joke it's probably an
outright lie. After all, we're a Rock and Roll band not a traveling etiquette
seminar and the fine print on our union cards gives us two very clear choices-
Either follow the golden path of sarcasm and irreverence or get badly strung
out on really heavy drugs. We feel we've made the right choice because...
- You can never laugh to much,
- No border guard in the world will tear your car apart, prescribe a
cavity search or turn you away for having a sense of humour (no
matter how badly they'd like to).,
- And, as far as we know no one has ever been thrown in stir or
hunted by an angry mob armed with torches and pitchforks just for
trying to be amusing (Although somebody oughta smack Jeff Daniels
for that whole "Dumb and Dumber" thing).
'94 -95 and Everything in Between Department
-Prior to Christmas Moist finishes up six straight months of touring with the
optimistically titled "Machine Punch Through" tour. More appropriate names
could have been ..."Machine Limps Through" or "The Machine breaks down in
sub-zero weather somewhere in Northern Ontario again" tour or "Why does
Machine tour itinerary say Winnipeg - Los Angeles- Edmonton? Machine knows
damn stupid tour routing when Machine sees it" ultimately resulting in the
"Machine tired, Machine go home now" tour.
- Thanks to hHead for opening and everyone who joined us in December in Canada
and the US.
-Two shows at Vancouver's Commodore ballroom and a brief Christmas holiday
On the road in the UK- Plague and Pestilence Tour '95...
And it goes like this...
- Horrible flu virus possesses bassist Jeff Pearce's body
- Band and crew sympathetic, "Are you all right, Jeff?" , "Can I get
you another tissue, Jeff?" , "Would you like me to massage your
burning temples, Jeff?" in short would "sir" like anything else.
- Plague spreads to stage manager and resident miracle worker, Graeme
McDonald, who spends too much time in clubs making our shows work,
yelling and tossing rented equipment with reckless abandon to get
any rest -consequently stays ill for entire UK tour.
Manchester and Darby
- Virus heads for road manager, Stan Wardle(pre morning-coffee) and
realizes its' mistake, narrowly escapes with its life by running
screaming for emergency exit of van infecting rest of band on the
Jeff perky beyond belief-
everyone else miserable Stoke
- Van breaks down en route to London.
- Jeff better than ever- Air of
palpable loathing pervades crowded taxi.
- Graeme passes time retching at
roadside while waiting for replacement vehicle.
Many thanks to everyone who joined us
in the UK. Special thanks to all the people up front in Manchester
who teched for us when our crew got dragged into the pit. US tour
begins, two shows in New York state then off to Georgia to the Fox
Theatre in Atlanta for a live-to-Internet show, Sanity tenuous .
Rest of the tour canceled due to hangnail, spend March mostly unconscious.
Before going back on the road in late March, Moist, completely recovered
lands in Toronto, full of piss and vinegar. Paul successfully impersonates
David Usher at Canadian Rock Awards. The Junos -Band spends 20 minutes
trying to convince security to let them in while manager mumbles
and rummages through briefcase searching for missing tickets, 45
minutes following vague and increasingly unlikely directions provided
by mimes hosting Juno dinner and an hour and a half sneaking truffles
and other contraband to starving backstage crew before performing
"Push" and accepting Juno for best new band. -Thanks to all those
of you who voted for us at the Canadian Rock Awards, (special thanks
for everyone who voted more than once) and to everyone who showed
up at Hamilton's Copps Coliseum yelling and causing a general ruckus
every time Moist was mentioned. You were very loud and greatly appreciated.
-Thanks also to Yvette from Mollies Revenge for working on the "Freaky
be Beautiful" video on such short notice- Freaky was released in
the UK in April. Back on tour in... Seattle- We come closer than
ever to the rubber glove than ever when van and band get torn apart
by over eager US customs officials on the way to a gig at Moe's.
Vancouver- 12,000 people, several band at the Arts County Fair,
UBC, Thunderbird Stadium. 2 Days later- UK - 300 people at a chip
truck in Brighton Edinburgh - poisoned by lobster bisque. Wales
- heated argument between large van and tiny cattle bridge. Bridge-1
Moist-0 Back in the US. Cleveland, Ohio- Buzzardfest, no rioting
or helicopters this year but still big fun. Atlanta, Ga.- Kevin,
David, Graeme and Stan mix Jagermiester and Goldschlager in large
quantities to predictable effect- wake up in pain missing large
chucks of memory, bit of forehead, dignity and self-respect and
swear off both poisons for life. Pensacola, Fl.- Jagermiester and
Goldschlager again. Fishing war continues during encounter with
Spanish sailors at the Seville Quarter...and that's about all the
detail our lawyer will allow for this one. New Orleans, La.- Play
Zephyrfest, hit casino, siphon gas, pool meager resources, share
50 gram bag of peanuts on 22 hour drive from Birmingham, Alabama
to Toronto. Suddenly we're airborne and heading to Thailand via...
Anchorage, Alaska- pilot swerves to avoid rodent on runway; nerves
begin to fray. Hong Kong- Pilot pretends to be monstrously fast
downhill slalom skier during arrival and departure; nerves seriously
frayed. Bangkok- Plane drops 200 meters in 5 seconds and comes into
runway with wings at 45 degrees until the last possible second;
nerves shot. After ten days in Hadrin Bay and Koh Samui, writing,
swimming and drinking "Maekong" (local whiskey, more subtle than
rubbing alcohol but not quite as flavorful) we start back to Bangkok
for heavy promotion schedule and a gig at the Blue Moon Junction.
Paul, determined to have at least one more adventure in Thailand,
unwittingly flips off local crimelord, Band and crew flee to airport
in cunningly designed yet extremely dangerous motorcycle cabs to
board yet another potentially fiery ball of twisted metal. Some
time, several paranoid fantasies and one episode of food poisoning
later and we're back in Canada getting "screeched in" by the friendly
staff at Junctions in St. Johns, stopping ever so briefly at the
Ft. Erie Friendship Festival and returning to Vancouver to record
demos for our second album, rest and recharge for our August tour.
- Now mutated virus strikes Jeff
unexpectedly, Justice is Served
Excuses and Explanations
When we recorded "Silver"
we had no idea that so many people would buy the thing and send
us so many letters. Up until that point the only mail we had ever
seen were bills, threats from collection agencies and take out menus...So
when the letters started coming in we assumed it was more of the
same and ran screaming... realizing our mistake, and being responsibly
minded we tried to answer each letter personally...not a bad idea...
just one that becomes ludicrous when you and your mail are separated
75% of the time by 1000s of miles, an army of humourless border
guards (packing major latex) and 3 weeks of high profile gigs in
some of the finest bowling alleys in the state of Nebraska. Add
distance to our high level of organization (imagine a blind, three
legged elephant, drunk on shaving lotion, flailing about on roller-skates
in the middle of a 4 lane highway during rush hour) and you see
my point. While we do read and enjoy every letter we receive we
simply can't respond to each letter personally... So every now and
again we get together, hash over our latest experiences and send
out this newsletter which although hacked together from nothing
does originate and arrive to you directly from us and not somebody
named #3 who inhabits desk #6 at Fanclubs R Us in Don Mills. Hopefully
we will be more organized in the New Year when our second album
is released. Until then, Nauselbaum, Moist
© Ophelia: a Moist Page